meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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