careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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