I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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