You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
