Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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