she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize