Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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