You just made me feel so damn special
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
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My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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