beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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