hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
