WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
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I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
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The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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