I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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