maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
