I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
