One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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