His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
