the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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