Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.