My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me