I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
