I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
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i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.