i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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