The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
