The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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