The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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