I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
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That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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