He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
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I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
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After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole