ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
