hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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