Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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