dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
