At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
