So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
