mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
