i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
