I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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