Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
