I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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