i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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