you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
