If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
