i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
