I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
