Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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