saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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