ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
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You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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