im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
