I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
