We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
