You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
