i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
