I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
