He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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