It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
