i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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